|solitude by serhatdemiroglu|
Having just celebrated another Easter I am reminded of the mysteries of faith. I admit that I have more questions than answers these days. I haven't written here in a while due to a full work and school schedule. But I confess that it is also because I have run out of words (hard to believe for those that know me). This blog has always been a place of certainty, at least when it came to the gospel. However, if you've been around this little space you know the struggles I've shared and the questions I've wrestled with lately. When one speaks of the dark night of the soul it seems to be temporary by definition. Night always turns to day.
And yet, it's still dark.
The same was true over two thousand years ago. It was the silence of Saturday.
It was the silence of the in-between...
...the day after your hope is dashed, but the day before it rises from the ashes.
There is nothing you can do but wait. Even when the calendar has spoken. Even when Sunday comes, it still feels like Saturday. The celebrations have ended and the bonnets go back in their boxes. Sunday fades and Monday dawns but it still feels like Saturday. I think that for many who have experienced this silence it seems like a double wound when as believers we fail to acknowledge that reality.
What was happening in the lives of Christ's followers after the resurrection? So often we paint the picture with a rainbow overarching it and a pot of gold on the other side. We just need to skip along the yellows and oranges and everything will be o.k. Only it's not o.k. It wasn't o.k. then. You can read about what happened to the disciples here. My point is this. I long for the day when churches can be honest about what it really means to live life as a Christ follower. It is not happy clappy. It is not always clear, in fact most times it's not. It must be how the disciples felt. Yes they had just witnessed the resurrection of Jesus. And yes that changed everything. But life was still hard. I wonder, did any of the disciples feel silence? Did any of them ever experience a dark night of the soul? I can only say that when I read about the disciples I find that I am more like them than not. They doubted, questioned, and denied Jesus. They were all kinds of inappropriate. I see that I've struggled in the same ways they did so I have to conclude that at some point they must have struggled in the same way I do. I wonder if they recalled what Jesus told them and what he tells us today, "I am with you always, to the end of the age."
Even when it still feels like Saturday.