Saturday, October 11, 2014

Independence and the Deception of Freedom


A friend sent me a message the other day that began:

You've been miss independent your whole marriage. In recent years you've found yourself needing to be more fragile, more taken care of. Basically just less stand alone-able. Advice?

Those words...every last one of them...were like daggers to my heart. I felt a sharpness and a stirring of regret. I told her that I felt as though she somehow knew my deepest darkest secrets. I told her I thought she was writing about me! Those words described me for most of my life. 

I'm posting (below) most of what I shared with her as a result of her confession because, I know we are not the only ones. In the days that followed I read parts of this to other friends. They looked back at me and said, "That's me too." I'm sharing this because I want women to know there is a way out.

A Way Out

There is a way out of the lie that says independence promises freedom.

It's not easy...

...it does not happen overnight...

...but there is hope.

(Disclaimer: This is a gospel response to women who have struggled with a desire to maintain independence in a marriage relationship. It is not an attempt in any way to promote an agenda for or against women who work or pursue interests outside the home, and it is not meant to promote an agenda for or against any "biblical model" of family, womanhood or manhood.)

Here is what I wrote...

************************************************************************************************

Oh my…when I started reading this I thought you were writing it about me and somehow you knew my deepest darkest secrets! This was me. I was raised in the “You can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan, and never never let him forget he’s a man” world! My mom was independent, a "never let them see you sweat" self-made woman and successful business owner. Combine that with a culture that shouted feminism and I was left with the notion that I didn't need anyone. Not a good recipe for marriage. And not gospel…I joke and say that I trained my husband well…on how to “stay away” because I can do it all! It has taken hard work these last couple of years to repair that. It does not come easy or quick. And it takes dying. Slow little deaths of giving up control and independence and territory.

What has happened is your husband has been a good student of yours...learning all the ways to silently step around your independence. He knows where he can go and he knows where the land mines are. It will take an excavation of the mine field plus time and patience, to wait on him to trust that the land mines are gone.

(You wrote; “Your husband is so stressed you feel like if u asked him to dote and covet u more  he'll fall apart.”) He is not stressed because you are moving from independence to dependence. He is stressed because of work, kids, life etc. and feeling like he does not measure up. I guarantee you he feels like he is failing. If you tell him you need more doting and coveting he very well could fall apart. That is not what you need and it’s not what he needs to do. 

What you both need is freedom – more than anything!

You need to be set free your independence and he needs to be set free from feeling like he is failing. 

Honest confession and transparency – those are the keys to unlock freedom. 

(You wrote;“what if he just can't handle it at this season of life?”) He can handle it because it will come from a posture of admission, not need. You’re not asking him to do anything other than be weak with you. That is attractive and always compels love. I know your inclination is to communicate your need. That repels, not compels. Communicate your weakness. That compels love.

Instead of telling him you want doting, show him. Show him by your confession. Show him by your honesty and transparency. Confess your independence without demanding his attention. You are realizing for the first time in your life that you need someone. Tell him. Tell him how difficult it is for you to admit. Tell him you have always tried to be strong but now you realize you are not all that strong. Tell him you know you’re getting older and things don’t come as easily. (When I tell my husband about my menopause issues he is sympathetic and caring, not overwhelmed and burdened by it) Our husbands have a natural desire to protect and take care of their family. Let him. It won’t overwhelm him. It may actually help him to put his life in perspective. 

The bottom line is this – you can’t change him. 

You can hardly change yourself. Pray that as you come to him in a transparent and honest posture, grace will reign. It always does. You might be amazed at how he responds when he realizes you really need him. Not just to help with kids. But YOU need him. That is not a clingy or whiny need. It is the need a wife as of her husband and the need a husband has of his wife. As you both get older this need will grow. We are only human and the years wear on us. We can’t do the things we used to do, we don’t’ look like we used to look. Peter and I joke all the time about all that! We are happy now to have this in the midst of our marriage – it humbles both of us and creates a mutual dependence we are grateful for. Remember, strength is admirable, but weakness is attractive. Strength gets attention from a distance. Weakness attracts others and compels their interest and their attention up close because it tells them they are not alone – they know their weakness all too well and now they can relax knowing you are weak too.

Imagine how freeing it will be to share this with your husband. But even more, imagine how freeing it will be for your husband to hear your weakness. Now, he can be free to be weak. 

Be weak together! 

There is nothing more freeing than an unconditional relationship. You don’t demand. He doesn't feel obligated. You both admit weakness and frailty and together rejoice in Jesus.

By the way, STAY AWAY from anything that sets standards or promotes comparisons. You and your husband are unique. Your marriage is one of a kind. Stay away from "how-tos.” Run from marriage seminars and instructors who want to give you an easy way out. 

Here is your instruction. Pray and ask God to set you free and to set your husband free. Pray God’s grace to come clean, admit weakness. Pray God’s grace for your husband to come clean, admit weakness. Pray for grace to trust God with this. You have to know that God is up to something here. It was not your idea to all the sudden move toward dependence! God is teaching you dependence on him and he is using your marriage to do so.


************************************************************************************************

Celebrate Dependence

My friends, if you can relate to this it's because there is nothing new under the sun. We have all struggled with the desire to be independent. It began in the garden and it is reinforced by our culture. Even one of our most celebrated holidays is nick-named Independence Day. It is cause for much celebration and merry-making. It is exalted as we, the citizens, look to our independence with honor and pride.

However, maintaining independence in your marriage is not a cause for celebration. It is not something to exalt. It kills relationships. It will snuff out intimacy. Maintaining an "I don't need you" posture is a sure fire way to achieve "room-mate" status in your marriage.


Clinging to your independence is a lonely way to live.

The gospel reminds us over and over again that dependence on someone outside of ourselves is a counter cultural message. It is revolutionary, upside down, and opposite from all the world shouts at us.

So live, work, celebrate the 4th of July. But, as you live, work and celebrate, lock arms together.

Rejoice in the gospel that frees you both from enslaving independence.


No comments:

Post a Comment