Monday, November 4, 2013

Jesus Did Not Go Upstairs and Close the Door

On days when God seems far off, it's easy to think that his door is closed. I may not literally believe this, but thoughts about my sin and sufferings overwhelm me and I cannot fathom how God could love me. I don't understand why God would step down into the mess of this world and specifically, into the chaos of my heart. It's too dark. Too gritty. To raw. All jumbled up with emotion and doubt, fear and shame. 

Is it really true? I read these words...

Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need. Heb 4:16

...but I don't believe them. 

I don't feel his grace, so I draw near to every other possibility out there. Anything that is a bit more real. Friends, books and social media are my go-to's. Surely, there must be an answer to the throbbing questions of my aching heart. I am reminded of a question Jesus asked his disciples;  "Do you want to go away as well?" and Peter answered him, "Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life, and we have believed, and have come to know, that you are the Holy One of God." John 6:67-69

I know deep down that God has the answers. I understand at least in my mind, that there is only One who understands the depth and the meditations of my heart. 

I hold, God holds on. I wait. 

I believe, Lord help my unbelief. 

God says that I have a high priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus, the Son of God. He says I have a high priest who is able to sympathize with my weaknesses.

And so... faith, I believe that Jesus did not ascend into heaven to wash his hands of this dirty world. faith, I believe that Jesus did not enter into the throne room of God cleaned up and presentable, but human, scarred and pierced. faith, I believe that Jesus  did not close the door behind him in order to leave this messed up broken world. faith, I believe God is merciful. faith I believe the door is open...

he really hears...

he really knows what my heart feels...

By faith, I believe.

Lord, where else can I go? You have the words of eternal life...

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